["This Rainfall is Blinding"]_____F.O.R.M.::Monchielle.

Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_________F.O.R.M. Monchielle.
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Jul 05, 2010 4:20 am
Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_________F.O.R.M. Monchielle.
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Manohar Bhatia
Dear Members,Every year, I travel on my byke without protection during the rainy season at least once, just to get the thrill of being soaked in rain.This poem came to me, a few days back."This Rainfall Is Blinding."F.O.R.M._______ Monchielle.[ "This Rainfall Is Blindingas the dark cluds are seento strike at each otherfor thunder and lightningfor everyone to bother!This Rainfall Is Blindingas motorists zip pastwith wipers left and righton the deserted landwhere no life is in sight!This Rainfall Is Blindingas I drive my mobikethrough pot-holed road surfacestruggling for right balancealthough muddy water faced!This Rainfall Is Blindingwhere fierce winds uproot treesblocking all the trafficthrowing life out of gearpainting the scene graphic!" ]________ The End_______Manohar Bhatiacopyright@ManoharBhatiaAll rights are reserved. Notes: Since I am still a learner of poetry, I want the members comments on this poem.Thanks.
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Jul 05, 2010 7:39 am
re: Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_________F.O.R.M. Monchielle.
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Maya Mahant
Manohar, very visual, giving a graphic picture of Mumbai during monsoons.There is one typo (as the dark 'cluds' are seen) o has been left out in the cloud.Other than that, I will leave the rest to the resident 'poet guru'.Maya
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Jul 05, 2010 11:21 am
re:Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_____F.O.R.M. Monchielle
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Diane Tegarden
Manohar,I especially liked the stanza:"This Rainfall Is Blindingwhere fierce winds uproot treesblocking all the trafficthrowing life out of gearpainting the scene graphic!" I couldn't find any errors, other then the typo Maya pointed out. (And the word "byke" in your introduction.)Rain is a blessing, the Earth needs its water for cleansing and all the creatures on Her,Diane T.Energetically, Diane Tegarden"Getting OUT of Limbo-A Self Help Divorce Book for Women";"Light ThroughShuttered Window- A Compendium of my Poetry";"Anti-Vigilante and TheRips in Time"- available at www.firewalkerpublications.com and www.Amazon.com
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Jul 05, 2010 8:20 pm
re: Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_________F.O.R.M. Monchielle.
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Diane Stephenson
Manohar:Very descriptive. I would hate to have to ride a bike in that kind of weather. I much prefer to be indoors, dry and warm. I salute you for your venturesome "habit".Diane
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Jul 06, 2010 4:55 am
re: re: Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_________F.O.R.M. Monchiel
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Ayub Bangroo
Manohar,Very descriptive poem,of course you have painted a typical monsoon day in Mumbai.The way you enjoy it is quite unique just as your poetry always has a different look.Ayub
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Jul 06, 2010 6:21 am
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Khurshid Alam
Hi Manohar,A fine poem! You're driven by the thrill and the rain.A good description, fine imagery, and poetic verse.- Khurshid
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Jul 13, 2010 2:22 am
re: re: re: re: Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_________F.O.R.M.
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Manohar Bhatia
Thanks to_________Maya,Diane.T. and Diane.S.Ayub,Khurshid for their valuable comments.Manohar Bhatia
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Jul 13, 2010 10:13 am
re: Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_________F.O.R.M. Monchielle.
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Jack Huber
Since you asked...The choice of Monchielle works well with your theme.You have a couple of lines with 7 syllables, S1L5 and S4L5.I think two of your stanzas' last lines should be rewritten. "Although muddy water faced" and "painting the scene graphic" don't really work well. When you are limited to six syllables, the tendency is to use phrasing that doesn't quite make sense, letting the reader jump to the understanding of what you meant, but it is preferable to avoid doing that. This is one thing that makes the Monchielle so difficult to write well.Hope this helps. This is a very good draft and I think can be made into a great poem. Jack
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Jul 14, 2010 1:18 am
re: re: Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_________F.O.R.M. Monchiel
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Manohar Bhatia
Jack,I want to thank you profusely for your timely help for corrections in the poem::: "This Rainfall is Blinding."I agree to your points....but frankly, even I had a hunch that somewhere I was wrong in those phrases....painting the scene graphic and muddy water faced.....because you know I go for a correction taught to me by my dad,who was only a Matriculate(Meaning XI passed).He had tought me that if you want to speak good English,go by the sound of your ear hearing.He meant that if a spoken sentence does not sound good to the ear, then there is something wrong somewhere.The two phrases...."painting the scene graphic" and muddy water faced do go by my dad's theory and hence needs corrections.Thanks again Jack for guiding me.Manohar Bhatia
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Jul 20, 2010 2:31 am
re: Monday Poem::::::::::; "This Rainfall Is Blinding."_________F.O.R.M. Monchielle.
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Manohar Bhatia
Hi everyone,I have made the necessary corrections and this is my final draft::::::::::::::Request Jack for approval.["This Rainfall Is Blinding"]This Rainfall is Blindingas the dark clouds are seenpreparing for a clashfor thunder and lightningcreating deadly flash!This Rainfall is Blindingas motorists zip pastwith wipers left and righton the deserted landwith no life is in sight!This Rainfall is Blindingas I drive my mobikethrough pot-holed road surfacestruggling for right balancefor a beautiful grace!This Rainfall is Blindingwhere fierce winds uproot treesthrowing life out of gearblocking all the trafficpainting the scene to fear!____ The End____copyright@ManoharBhatiaAll rights are reserved.