A Short Story______["The Bootpolish Clue"]

Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
Views: 66
Jun 25, 2010 2:36 am
Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Manohar Bhatia
["THE BOOTPOLISH CLUE"] Sipping my cool drink in a roadside café, it was like any other day in New York city. The sun had just risen and was trying to pierce the extra tall sky-crappers of New York . It is quite cold in New York at this time of the year with temperatures at around 12 C degrees morning time. Smartly dressed New Yorkers have stepped out of their homes and walking briskly to their places of work. Young mothers, with their babies in the prams are slowly strolling the city, crossing the zebra tracks cautiously. Three to four blue red school buses move about on the roads and are on their way to drop the children to their respective schools.There is a place called 47th street in New York and just near to it is a Waldroff Astoria Hotel, one of the costliest hotels in the world. Here, only high profile personalities like Kings, Queens, Diplomats, world Politicians and others stay. A few blocks away is a large Bank called Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce, with assets and reserves totaling more then US$ 500.00 billion!The Bank Building is a 100 storied structure and fully computerized and high tech. The front of the building is fully black glass tinted and totally invisible what is going inside. It has a very high security arrangement and no one can enter the Bank without a swipe card coded individually. Because of its high security, only one man guards the entrance. This man has been assigned to meet clients who enter and guide them to their vaults and also to meet the Bank’s staff and personnel.It was a normal working day, when the man at the reception noticed a tall man swiping a card to enter. He did not find anything suspicious, save that this man had a walking stick with a slight limp walk. I came to know later that this was just a guise to gain sympathy. He was busy with his computers. This tall man walked up-to him and said: “Hi! I have just come to withdraw some cash from my account.”Reception: “ Sure, I can help you, sir.”Still sensing no trouble, the man got up to show him the way. It was at this precise moment, the crook took out his revolver and hit the man on the back of his head. The man gave a long moan and fell to the ground unconscious! The thug then went to the entrance, after discarding his walking stick and three more men rushed in. This 4 member gang then put on their plastic masks on their faces and walked menacingly to the interior of the Bank.Inside, there was a flurry of activities with the customers moving about swiftly doing their business. There were customers, who were at their respective windows, either depositing the cash or withdrawing their money from their accounts. One of the customer was in the manager’s cabin, trying to convince him about a loan that he wanted from the Bank. There were some security men guarding the Bank fully armed in case of any emergency. No one noticed the 4 masked men enter. They were armed with loaded revolvers, dressed stylishly in Pep Jeans and branded arrow shirts. Their faces were fully covered with plastic masks to hide their true identities. But, unknown to the thugs, there were hidden cameras on roll to record their every move! Although, every part of their bodies were covered, their shoes were fully exposed and where the thugs did not pay much attention. One was wearing a black shoe without laces, another a brown shoe, the third a canvas, while the fourth had worn an evil looking cowboy type. The cameras had also taken the very close up of the footwear! As they entered-The leader of the gang shouted: “ Everybody, raise your hands.”Manager: “And, Whatever, you wanted?”Thug: “We have come for the cash, take us to the vaults.”Bank Officer: “You will not get away with this, you will pay for this.”And saying this, he raised an alarm. There was a fierce gun battle between the guards and the robbers. Ultimately, the robbers prevailed, after killing 7 guards and a Marshall.The thieves then took out their large leather bags and removed more than US$ 100.00 million from the Bank’s vaults. It was one of the biggest Bank heists ever committed at this Bank. Then, they drove off with the booty in a black Limousine out of the city!The police were called in and the investigations began. The tapes of the hidden cameras were removed and studied. It was here that the police noticed the footwear of the thugs. The security camera had recorded their full attire, and also the type of footwear on their person. So, the police hit upon a plan. They recruited 50 boys and were given a box of boot polish equipment. A large copy of the full close up details of the footwear worn by the robbers was also distributed to the boys. The idea was that the some of the gang members will turn up in the city to polish their shoes!On day one, not many persons turned up. But, after a few days, a Ford Station Wagon was seen moving slowly and nearing the Waldroff Astoria Hotel. After parking the vehicle 2 persons stepped out. They wanted to polish their shoes and walked straight to one of the boys recruited for the job to catch the thieves.Opening the drawer of his boot polish box, the boy saw that the photograph of the shoe given to him by the police matched exactly as that worn by one of the robbers. The other guy, who had gone to the next boy was also caught as per the photograph of his shoe. The boys took a little longer time to polish their shoes so as to signal the police to close in on the thieves. Thus the 2 thugs were taken into custody and marched to the police station. After much questioning and grilling, the bad guys gave in. They revealed the whereabouts of their other 2 friends who were also arrested. The looted money of US$100.00 million were recovered from them. They were convicted for the robbery and murder and sentenced to more than 40 years of hard labor.“Oh!, What a clue of the Police?” some one whispered after reading the New York times paper on the roadside payment._____T H E E N D____copyright@ManoharBhatiaAll rights are reserved.Notes::: I want the members' reviews on this fiction story, like story-line, plot, adventure, suspence etc.Thanks.
Private Reply to Manohar Bhatia Delete your post
Jun 25, 2010 5:44 am
re: Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Khurshid Alam
Hi Manohar,In your story you give us the complete glimpse of the city New York.
Private Reply to Khurshid Alam
Jun 25, 2010 6:36 am
re: re: Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Khurshid Alam
Hi Manohar,I would like to highlights the following points:Description:1. Some words are over repeated.2. Quotation should come first and the sayer later to make the things direct and uninterrupted.3. Each paragraph seems to cram so many characters, they erupt suddenly, and many are unnecessary.4. Use of first person pronoun suddenly come in, unreasoned - "I came to know later that this was just a guise to gain sympathy."Suspense:1. There seems no suspense at all as you have already disclosed the things about the shoes that each of the thieves is wearing different shoes and they are fully exposed to the camera.2. The shape, size and design of the boots are used here as clues to the robbers so they should not be so explicit in the beginning. It should come later and as a surprise to the readers.3. How police were sure that they will catch the thieves by offering boot polish services only?Grammar: Many but I highlight only those which are too stark -'12 C degrees...''The Bank Building is a 100 storied structure and fully computerized and high tech.''... totally invisible what is going inside.''...without a swipe card coded individually.''...save that this man had a walking stick with a slight limp walk.''It was at this precise moment...''This 4 member gang then...''They wanted to polish their shoes...''...paper on the roadside payment.'
Private Reply to Khurshid Alam
Jun 25, 2010 11:39 am
re: re: re: Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Maya Mahant
Manohar,It could be interesting, however you need to fine tune it.Maya
Private Reply to Maya Mahant
Jun 25, 2010 2:12 pm
re: Friday Story::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."- some good points and bad points
#
Diane Tegarden
Manohar,the story line is interesting and you did a good job with the build up of the plot, however, as some members have mentioned, there are a few grammar, spelling and word usage errors.Spell check would have corrected...boot polish is two wordssky-crappers should be sky scrapersWaldroff Astoria s/b Waldorf AstoriaCapital letters:Only use capital letters when using a proper noun, for example: The Bank Building s/b the bank building,and "Kings, Queens, Diplomats, world Politicians and others stay" s/b "kings, queens, world politicians, and other high profile guests stay."New York city s/b New York CityWord usage correction- Only the English use the word "pram" in the US we'd say "baby carriage", and Americans would say "shoes" instead of "footwear".To indicate a new paragraph use a one line space. There are some other corrections that will help you smooth out the sound of the story, but basically it is a good start! Don't be too sensitive about the corrections we've posted, you did ask for reviews, and I think that Khurshid did a fine job of pointing out some of the rough spots. (I think it more helpful when people who do a critique, not only point out the errors, but show how they would correct them!)Note, in my review I use s/b for should be.Energetically, Diane Tegarden"Getting OUT of Limbo-A Self Help Divorce Book for Women";"Light ThroughShuttered Window- A Compendium of my Poetry";"Anti-Vigilante and TheRips in Time"- available at www.firewalkerpublications.com and www.Amazon.com
Private Reply to Diane Tegarden
Jun 26, 2010 1:56 am
re: Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Manohar Bhatia
Hello my friends,Thank you for your piercing review, specially Khurshid. I will be putting the corrected version of the story in the next few days, as I am awaiting more comments from my honorable members::::;Khurshid:::Description::::1)Please let me know what words are repeated 2)Quotation point noted.3)What characters are unnecessary?4)'Yes' instead of "I". name of character should be mentioned.Suspence:::Susupence is unnecessary word in the review____ agreed.About police:::When the police saw the recording of the tapes, their eyes fell on the footwear of the thieves and hence they got an idea how to nab the rogues.....your querry answered.Spellings:::12 C degrees is wrong and 12 degrees is right____ agreed.Please tell me in detail my grammar mistakes________"The Bank Building is a..... etc.To sum up, Thanks Khurshid for your review and I will rewamp the story, after studying others' comments.Maya::: Yes Maya, thanks for reading my story.Diane.T::: I am happy you felt the story is interesting and your suggestions will be quite helpful..............'baby carriage' 'shoes' stand corrected.Manohar Bhatia
Private Reply to Manohar Bhatia Delete your post
Jun 27, 2010 1:46 am
re: re: Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Rampyari Walia
HI Manohar,It is a very nice attempt but one that could have become much more thrilling with soem modifications. It is a littel predictable in the beginning. The concept of the boot polish clue is a little unbelievable but that is just my opinion, because in a place like New York there coudl be so many people wearing similar shoes and it is much more likely that people who did a robbery would try and leave the city rahter than stay around. I do hope you rewrite it a littel and repostrampyari
Private Reply to Rampyari Walia
Jun 27, 2010 10:48 am
re: re: re: Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Manohar Bhatia
Rampyari,Thank you for reading my story.When one writes fiction,I believe, an untruth is 'made' into a truth.....just for the sake of the readers.Nowadays, robbers have become bold(fiction!)and they just decided to spend their looted money in the city before disappearing.I wish to change the title to::: "The Shoes" to keep the suspense......how do you like it?Manohar Bhatia
Private Reply to Manohar Bhatia Delete your post
Jun 28, 2010 10:23 pm
re: Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Diane Stephenson
Manohar:A commendable effort. That said, when writing fiction it does have to be believable. I agree with Rampyari that the boot polish idea is a little unbelievable. Now if they were wearing shoes with special markings, that might change things. Or have one of the robbers display something that would distinguish him from most other people - an unusual birthmark on his hand, a peculiar habit such as a slight jerking of the head, a particular accent or manner of speaking, etc. And also I don't think the police would endanger the lives of young boys by placing them in the position of catching dangerous criminals. And would 50 boys scattered throughout New York City have much chance of discovering four criminals who could be anywhere? There would be a much higher-level investigation going on probably involving the FBI as well. Civilians would not be invited to take part in this process except to answer questions about what they had witnessed. You need to do some research first of all on the likelihood of such a crime actually happening in this scenario and also what steps the police might take to apprehend the perpetrators. Just a few thoughts. And remember - producing a finished manuscript takes many revisions and much editing no matter how good the author is. We all have to do it if we want something a publisher will accept and others will read. Keep up the good work and don't get discouraged. You will get there if you don't give up.Diane
Private Reply to Diane Stephenson
Jun 29, 2010 7:10 am
re: re: Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Manohar Bhatia
Diane.S.Thank you for reading my story and your inputs.Whenever, I write fiction, it is my principle, that I don't lift anything from anywhere.So, the boot polsih idea came into my mind and I am sure this idea will be rarely duplicated.Now, since many members have given their comments on my story,I will be improvising this story to a 2.0 level..like giving a new title,tightning of editing,corrections of spellings, police-robber chase...the 50 boys employed by the police is also my idea and I don't wish to change this at least.Cheers!Manohar Bhatia
Private Reply to Manohar Bhatia Delete your post
Jun 29, 2010 2:36 pm
re: re: re: Friday Story:::::::::::: "The Bootpolish Clue."
#
Rampyari Walia
Hi Manohar,Changing hte title is a great idea ¨The shoes ¨is an option but try to think of somehting else . Make usre that hte title does not give away the sotry Bootpolish clue indiccates that the bootpolish is a clue to the capturing of the bank robbersThanks for sharing Rampyari